In schools, we spend thousands of hours teaching students how to resolve conflicts, how to “use their words,” and how to work in groups.
But what about the adults?
One of the biggest threats to a school’s culture isn’t the students; it’s the unspoken friction between staff members. The grade-level team that secretly resents each other. The co-teachers who have stopped communicating. The “parking lot meetings” where frustration is vented but never solved.
As a leader, I realized that my job isn’t just to have hard conversations with teachers. My job is to foster a culture where teachers have the skills to have hard conversations with each other.
We cannot have Collective Teacher Efficacy if we are too afraid to be honest with our colleagues.
The Problem: The “Triangle” of Venting
When Teacher A has a problem with Teacher B, their instinct is often to come to me.
- “Can you believe she didn’t clean up the lab again?”
- “He never replies to my emails.”
They want me to fix it. They want me to go scold Teacher B. If I do that, I am not leading; I am enabling. I am validating the idea that they are helpless to solve their own interpersonal problems.
The Solution: The Admin as Facilitator
Instead of solving the problem for them, I now view my role as the facilitator of their conversation.
When a teacher comes to me with a complaint about a colleague, my first question is: “Have you told them that?” The answer is almost always “No.”
They are afraid of the conflict. They don’t have the script. So, I bring them to the table—not to be the judge, but to be the guide.
The Framework: Teaching Adults to “Productively Struggle”
Just like we teach students to struggle through a math problem, we have to help teachers struggle through professional disagreement.
I use a simple framework (inspired by the book Crucial Conversations) to help them find clarity:
1. State the Facts (Not the Story) I coach Teacher A to strip away the emotion.
- Story: “He doesn’t respect my time.”
- Fact: “The lesson plans were uploaded at 8:00 AM instead of the agreed 4:00 PM.”
2. Explain the Impact
- Script: “When the plans are late, I have to spend my Sunday night waiting, which cuts into my family time.”
3. Ask for the Solution
- Script: “How can we make sure this deadline works for both of us next week?”
The Result: A “Clear is Kind” Culture
When I sit in the room and help two adults navigate this process, something powerful happens. The “monster” of conflict shrinks. They realize that being clear about their needs isn’t mean—it’s professional.
Once they survive that conversation, they rarely need me for the next one. They have the tools.
The Takeaway
We tell students that “Conflict is an opportunity.” We need to believe that for ourselves.
A healthy school culture isn’t one where everyone agrees all the time. It’s one where adults trust each other enough to say: “I respect you enough to be honest with you.”
As leaders, our highest calling isn’t to keep the peace. It is to build the capacity for truth.