The loneliest moment of my career happened three weeks into my first year as an Assistant Principal.
I walked into the teacher’s lounge. There were four teachers sitting at the round table, laughing loudly about a district email. I walked in, smiling, ready to join the joke.
The room went silent.
The laughter stopped. They smiled politely, shifted in their seats, and one by one, they checked their watches and went back to class.
I stood there holding my microwavable lunch, confused. “I’m still me,” I thought. “I’m the same guy I was in May. Why is everyone acting so weird?”
It took me six months to realize the truth, so I’m going to save you the heartache and tell you now:
They aren’t acting weird. You are the boss.
And you cannot be their friend anymore.
The “Cool Admin” Trap
Most young Assistant Principals suffer from Imposter Syndrome. We know we have less experience than the veteran teachers we supervise.
(Side note: If you are currently trying to make the jump young, read my guide on How I Got Hired as an AP at 29.)
To compensate for our age, we try to be the “Cool Admin.”
- We let small policy violations slide.
- We join in when they complain about the Principal.
- We try to prove, “Don’t worry, I’m not one of ‘them.’ I’m still one of you.”
This is a career-ending mistake.
The moment you complain about the Principal to a teacher, you have lost your authority. You have signaled that the chain of command doesn’t matter. And three months later, when you have to reprimand that same teacher for being late, they won’t respect you. They will resent you.
They will think: “How dare he write me up? He was just bashing the district with me last week.”
The Difference Between “Friendly” and “Friends”
You do not have to be a cold, heartless robot. But you must understand the distinction between being Friendly and being Friends.
Friends:
- Vent to each other about work stress.
- Cover for each other when rules are broken.
- Gossip about colleagues.
- Hang out every Friday night.
Friendly Leaders:
- Ask about their kids and actually listen.
- Support them when they are sick or overwhelmed.
- Celebrate their wins publicly.
- Enforce the standard consistently.
You can love your staff. You can serve your staff. But you cannot be peers with your staff.
The “Vault” is Closed
The hardest part of this transition is the “Venting Vault.”
As a teacher, your classroom is a vault. You and your neighbor vent about the schedule, the kids, and the admin.
As an AP, you are the vault.
Teachers will come in and dump their stress on you. You listen, you validate, and you help.
But you have nowhere to dump.
You cannot vent down. You can only vent up (to your Principal) or out (to your spouse/partner). If you try to vent down to a teacher, you are burdening them with weight they aren’t paid to carry, and you are eroding your own leadership.
What to Do When They Cross the Line (The Script)
So, what happens when a teacher you used to be close with tries to pull you back into the gossip?
What happens when they say, “Come on, be real with me, this new policy is stupid, right?”
Do not laugh. Do not agree. And do not be a jerk.
Use this script:
“I know we used to vent about this stuff, and I get where you’re coming from. But in this seat, I see the other side of it, and I actually think it’s going to help us with [X]. Give it a shot for me.”
It draws a boundary without being rude. It acknowledges the past relationship but firmly establishes the new one.
💡 Interview Tip
“How do you handle leading former peers?” is one of the most common questions in Assistant Principal interviews. They want to know if you can set boundaries.
Don’t wing this answer. If you want the exact “Core 10” stories and STAR method scripts to nail this question, check out the Assistant Principal Interview Kit.
The Price of the Paycheck
Being an Assistant Principal is isolating. It is the price of the paycheck and the position.
You traded “popularity” for “influence.”
You traded “venting sessions” for the power to actually fix the problems people are venting about.
If you want to be liked, go sell ice cream.
If you want to lead, accept the silence in the teacher’s lounge, heat up your lunch, and get back to work.